Fast forward ten months, and one
post later. Chances are that many of you read Nate's latest post before I even
saw it. I'd gotten online to check my email, something I rarely do anymore, and
was surprised to see a new post. As I read, my mind raced over the last several
months' worth of shock, fear, and heartache we'd experienced. I don't think I
can explain the emotion I felt as I read. All I could do was sit there and cry.
When my kids found me sobbing in front of my laptop, all I could tell them was
that they had the sweetest Dad ever.
I've never been good at hiding my
emotions, and for a while I even tried to embrace wearing them on my sleeve (it
didn't go well). Since this all began, I've tried to be very careful about
keeping a lid on my most intense emotions around Nate and our kids. We've tried
to be honest with the kids about everything, but at the same time we don't want
to instill even more fear or anxiety. I know that I need to be strong for them,
even when I feel so very frail. It's been a heavy burden to carry, and I
imagine that it won't ever be easy. I did have a few meltdowns in
Massachusetts, but I didn't think Nate ever saw me...besides, he was on heavy
narcotics so I didn't think he noticed much anyway!
Now I know that I was wrong. My
sweet husband has been way more observant than I ever knew. He's been listening
and watching me, and has come to understand much of what I've been going
through. I wouldn't say that he's ever been a man who doesn't listen, but with
all he's dealing with, I knew he needed to place his focus on getting well, and
not on me and my fears and emotions. I never wanted to burden him. I'm so very
touched that even with all that he has to deal with, the intense pain, the
"blahs", the nausea, loss of appetite, etc, etc, I see that he has
most certainly processed my pain as well as his own. Through a few different
experiences (many that don't even belong to us), his eyes have been opened to
the life of a caregiver.
After reading, and re-reading, his
post, I had a lot of anxiety about writing a post of my own. I've said time and
again that I don't know how I'll ever be able to express the overwhelming
gratitude I have for all of the kindness that surrounds me and my family, and
now I wonder how to even express that gratitude to Nate. I'm afraid I'll never
be able to! He's gone above and beyond as a husband and father. He's teaching
me what it is to feel brave. He's teaching me what hope is, and the difference
between rational fear and anxiety. He holds me up when I should be supporting
him. I will never again discount the wonderful man that I married, and I'll
brag about him without shame! He's the bravest and most loving man that I know.
Thank you Nate, for loving me.
Last Monday Nate started his fourth
round of chemo. We were so happy to have his dear friend, Boyd, join us at the
clinic. He had a long layover in Salt Lake City and came to sit with Nate. I could
see a little more light in Nate's eyes than usual, and I appreciate Boyd so
much.
We were able to talk with our
doctor, and he examined Nate. Everything seems to be healing well, and Nate is
tolerating the chemo like the champ that he is. When Dr. Whisenant saw Nate, he
immediately made a comment about his hair, and how he doesn't seem to be losing
it. He said that at this point into the chemo he should have already started
into major thinning, but that maybe Nate is among the 1/3 that won't lose it at
all. I'm starting to think we need to spend some time down in Vegas, or at
least start buying lottery tickets! Nate is proving that he knows how to beat
the odds. Sometimes I even have this very irrational fear that his veins are
made of steel and the chemo is just passing right through him. I know it's a
little crazy, and I don't want Nate to have more symptoms than he already does,
I just want those evil cancer cells obliterated!
Nate tolerated round four pretty
well. He seems to be more wiped out with every round, but he's still trying to
work as much as he can. He's become a napper, which was never really his thing.
It will be so good to see him get some energy back!
His lab values all looked great! His
red blood count is a little low, but his white count and platelets are actually
back within normal range! We spoke with the doctor about the timing for Nate's
sixth, and hopefully last surgery. He will finish his sixth round of
chemo the day before Thanksgiving, and will then need to wait a few (3-4) weeks
for his body to recover, so that puts us around the second or third week of
December. The hospital stay is anticipated to be 4 or 5 days, so hopefully he
will feel well enough to enjoy Christmas. If the timing all works out, we hope
to spend New Year's Eve bidding a fond farewell to the year 2012, and looking
forward to a better 2013.
Thanks
again for standing by us on this crazy detour we've been taken on. We still
can't believe this is our life, but we are ever grateful for our amazing friends
and family who have chosen to come along with us. Love to all!