Sorry Ladies…He’s Mine!

If I could reverse the clock about ten months, and have a conversation about my husband and our marriage, I'm sure it would've been mostly positive. I would've listed all the great things Nate does for our kids, the good job he does at work, and how handy he is around the house. I probably would've even given in to the temptation to point out a few of his bad habits, because I wouldn't want to gloat about what a good guy he really is. The conversation might have felt a little rehearsed, and I bet I wouldn't have thought twice about having it.

Fast forward ten months, and one post later. Chances are that many of you read Nate's latest post before I even saw it. I'd gotten online to check my email, something I rarely do anymore, and was surprised to see a new post. As I read, my mind raced over the last several months' worth of shock, fear, and heartache we'd experienced. I don't think I can explain the emotion I felt as I read. All I could do was sit there and cry. When my kids found me sobbing in front of my laptop, all I could tell them was that they had the sweetest Dad ever. 

I've never been good at hiding my emotions, and for a while I even tried to embrace wearing them on my sleeve (it didn't go well). Since this all began, I've tried to be very careful about keeping a lid on my most intense emotions around Nate and our kids. We've tried to be honest with the kids about everything, but at the same time we don't want to instill even more fear or anxiety. I know that I need to be strong for them, even when I feel so very frail. It's been a heavy burden to carry, and I imagine that it won't ever be easy. I did have a few meltdowns in Massachusetts, but I didn't think Nate ever saw me...besides, he was on heavy narcotics so I didn't think he noticed much anyway! 

Now I know that I was wrong. My sweet husband has been way more observant than I ever knew. He's been listening and watching me, and has come to understand much of what I've been going through. I wouldn't say that he's ever been a man who doesn't listen, but with all he's dealing with, I knew he needed to place his focus on getting well, and not on me and my fears and emotions. I never wanted to burden him. I'm so very touched that even with all that he has to deal with, the intense pain, the "blahs", the nausea, loss of appetite, etc, etc, I see that he has most certainly processed my pain as well as his own. Through a few different experiences (many that don't even belong to us), his eyes have been opened to the life of a caregiver. 

After reading, and re-reading, his post, I had a lot of anxiety about writing a post of my own. I've said time and again that I don't know how I'll ever be able to express the overwhelming gratitude I have for all of the kindness that surrounds me and my family, and now I wonder how to even express that gratitude to Nate. I'm afraid I'll never be able to! He's gone above and beyond as a husband and father. He's teaching me what it is to feel brave. He's teaching me what hope is, and the difference between rational fear and anxiety. He holds me up when I should be supporting him. I will never again discount the wonderful man that I married, and I'll brag about him without shame! He's the bravest and most loving man that I know. Thank you Nate, for loving me.

Last Monday Nate started his fourth round of chemo. We were so happy to have his dear friend, Boyd, join us at the clinic. He had a long layover in Salt Lake City and came to sit with Nate. I could see a little more light in Nate's eyes than usual, and I appreciate Boyd so much. 

We were able to talk with our doctor, and he examined Nate. Everything seems to be healing well, and Nate is tolerating the chemo like the champ that he is. When Dr. Whisenant saw Nate, he immediately made a comment about his hair, and how he doesn't seem to be losing it. He said that at this point into the chemo he should have already started into major thinning, but that maybe Nate is among the 1/3 that won't lose it at all. I'm starting to think we need to spend some time down in Vegas, or at least start buying lottery tickets! Nate is proving that he knows how to beat the odds. Sometimes I even have this very irrational fear that his veins are made of steel and the chemo is just passing right through him. I know it's a little crazy, and I don't want Nate to have more symptoms than he already does, I just want those evil cancer cells obliterated!

Nate tolerated round four pretty well. He seems to be more wiped out with every round, but he's still trying to work as much as he can. He's become a napper, which was never really his thing. It will be so good to see him get some energy back!

His lab values all looked great! His red blood count is a little low, but his white count and platelets are actually back within normal range! We spoke with the doctor about the timing for Nate's sixth, and hopefully last surgery. He will finish his sixth round of chemo the day before Thanksgiving, and will then need to wait a few (3-4) weeks for his body to recover, so that puts us around the second or third week of December. The hospital stay is anticipated to be 4 or 5 days, so hopefully he will feel well enough to enjoy Christmas. If the timing all works out, we hope to spend New Year's Eve bidding a fond farewell to the year 2012, and looking forward to a better 2013.

Thanks again for standing by us on this crazy detour we've been taken on. We still can't believe this is our life, but we are ever grateful for our amazing friends and family who have chosen to come along with us. Love to all!