On The Mend

We've been in our "time warp" for a little over two weeks now, and I finally feel as though we're coming out of it. Day-to-day activities are slowly returning to normal, and I've been playing catch up with all the things that took back seat to Nate's surgery and recovery. Even with all the amazing help we had, the pull of wanting to be at the hospital with Nate, and knowing that my kids needed me at home was difficult. I can't imagine how hard it would have been this summer if Nate's surgeries would have taken place in Salt Lake City.

Nate is healing well. His wounds are mending, his blood work looks good, and he's gaining more strength each day. He's lost his hospital weight of 20 plus pounds, and is starting to feel more normal (whatever that means). His appetite is slowly coming back as evidenced by the popcorn and chips he ate yesterday! He's been very cautious about his diet, and is pretty tuned in to every rumble of his belly. He's still an excellent patient, and I'm so glad I get to be his nurse.

As I mentioned in my previous post, our surgeon saw no evidence of disease (NED) during the procedure. She felt pretty confident that what she saw was scar tissue, but sent biopsies to be sure. Unfortunately, one of the biopsies came back positive for cancer cells and mucin. This news came just two days after the surgery. At the time, I wondered if it would have been better had we not been given the NED status. Remember how I said the feeling of relief was so intense and it was like realizing you'd lost something only because you'd found it again? Well, it's amazing how that weight came hurdling back. The area that came back positive came from the mesentary of the small intestine, and was described as the size of three Nerds (the small hard candies) stuck together. Our surgeon was able to take the whole thing out, and didn't see anything else that resembled it. We are praying that now all the cancer is out, but knowing what an insidious type of cancer that it is, all three of Nate's doctors are recommending more intravenous chemotherapy.

I feel like I'm always the bearer of bad news, and it's probably why I haven't posted in a while. We only told our kids about it this last week. It was so wonderful to see the difference in them after we were given the NED, and we couldn't bring ourselves to tell them. They took the news with great faith, but I could see the weight land back on all four of them. I'm sad that they have to deal with all of this at such a young age, or ever! I'm thankful that they are more resilient than I am!

During the surgery, they took out Nate's port where he received his chemo directly into his jugular vein just above his heart. Things looked so good that they thought they could get rid of it. Now he'll have to have another port placed before he begins chemo in late February.

Often times we find ourselves needing to recognize and remind ourselves of the blessings we've experienced during this past year. One that I've reminded myself of over the past two weeks is that even though Nate had to endure the awful ileostomy for seven months, the surgery to reverse it allowed them to find this little tumor which didn't show up on his CT scans. It would not have been detected until it had grown large enough to be seen on a scan, and by that time it could have seeded elsewhere in his abdomen. So, even though I would have been perfectly happy to stick with the NED status, I'm thankful that we can treat Nate, and hopefully get him back to good health.

Back to the question I asked before...Do I wish we had never heard the NED news? No. The feeling of pure and utter relief and joy I felt that day is what I hope to feel again. It was awesome, like nothing I'd ever felt before. All at once my mind filled with things I didn't have space to think about over the last year. I was breathing again and my heart felt free, which may sound weird, but I know that some of you will be able to relate. My hope, our hope, is that we will get back to that place. I know what it feels like now, and I can't wait to feel it again! We know there's a plan in all of this and that we just have to keep fighting for now. Thanks again for the love and support we've felt. We're blessed to have so many people care for our family.