Merry Christmas!

What a year we've had! I have to say that 2012 has not been our favorite year, but through all the trials, we've been blessed to have friends and family who eased our burdens, and just plain loved us. This blog is typically used for updates on Nathan’s “happenings”, but I thought I'd give an update with a little info about our kids...we can't forget them!

Nathan: Mr. Positive; feeling well; back to work full time; getting ready for next surgery January 9; enjoying time with the kids; coaching Seth’s basketball team; glad to be done with chemo; looking forward to a fresh start in 2013; loved by all.

Natalie: a little bit crazy; busy with kids; grateful to be a mom; grateful for Nathan; grateful for friends and family; hoping for less crazy in 2013.

Seth: 12; almost as tall as Mom; loves 7^th grade; great golfer; can't wait for basketball and baseball season; has an uncanny ability to recall sports trivia; earning excellent grades; has great hair (don't touch it!); keeps us on our toes.

Emma: 10; 5^th grade; creative; artist; beautiful dancer; getting really good at piano; loves her friends; awesome big sister and babysitter; plays volleyball and basketball; approaching the tweens but still as sweet as ever.

Sam: 7: 2^nd grade; loves math; budding artist; rough and tumble; loves friends; plays baseball, soccer and basketball;  Mom’s little helper; still gives the best loves.

Sydney: 5; Kindergarten; loves to read; artist and coloring extraordinaire; loves her friends; quite a sense of humor; learned to whistle and make crazy eyes; loves to dance; rides a two wheeler; loves her Daddy.

We hope this Christmas season finds you and yours well. We're grateful for the blessings we've been given, including the miracle of Nate's resilience, our wonderful children who have "muscled" their way through the hard times, and all of you who love Nate and our family. We feel the love of our Heavenly Father and his Son, Jesus Christ, as they watch over us and send angels to bear us up. We're grateful to celebrate our Savior's birth, His life, and the gift of the Atonement in our lives. From the Hardy Family to your family, We wish you a Merry Christmas!

What a Week!

True to his nature, Nathan tolerated round 6 really well. We were able to have a very nice Thanksgiving Day with family, and Nate enjoyed his turkey dinner! My heart almost burst as we sat around the table, each person telling what they were grateful for. I've never been more grateful to sit down to a meal with my husband at my side.

In my last post, I laid out the plans for Nate's CT scan, consultation, and next surgery. Well, I spoke too soon. When will I ever learn? Nate did have his CT scan on December 3rd, and we followed up the next day with his surgeon, Dr. Bowles. Unfortunately, the scan didn't come back "clean". We didn't get the NED (No Evidence of Disease) status that we were so hoping for. We were both pretty heartbroken.

Our surgeon in Massachusetts, Dr. Lambert, warned us that Nate's scans would look pretty crazy to anyone not used to looking at post-HIPEC patients, and that they might be misread, but we weren't anticipating the bad news. We were so hopeful! There were some areas that looked suspicious for remaining tumor, or mucin. All of the areas in question were areas where Nate had a lot of tumor removed during the HIPEC procedure, so Dr. Bowles wasn't sure if they were scar tissue, abscess, mucin, or tumor. She talked about re-staging the disease, getting more scans, biopsies, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. She was very apologetic and kind, but all I wanted to do was run away from her office and the hospital. Nate was much more level headed and, sadly, had to comfort me. We agreed that it was very important that Dr. Lambert see the scan as soon as possible so we could make a game plan. Dr. Bowles told us she would call her right then and overnight the scan. She hoped for a response by Thursday.

We were hesitant to let the news out before we had more information. Our kids were aware of the scan and the follow-up appointment, and we had no idea what to tell them. It's a tricky thing to hide your emotions from your kids when you feel your world tumbling down. We told them, and many of you the truth, that the scans were being evaluated by Dr. Lambert because there were a few questionable findings. To make a long story short (it was anything but short for us!), Dr. Lambert didn't receive the scan until Monday afternoon. Nice overnight job! We spent the entire week with our hearts in our stomachs, and our stomachs on the floor every time a new email arrived or whenever the phone rang.

After reviewing the scan, Dr. Lambert said that overall she was quite pleased. She had the benefit of comparing this scan with one from July that the radiologist here didn't have. By doing so, she could see that two of the questionable spots were significantly smaller than the July scan, and the other spot was exactly the same size. We found some hope in these findings. It may suggest that the areas are scar tissue or something else as a result of the prior surgeries. She agreed that it was disappointing to see these areas, but also said that it was "exceedingly unlikely that the scan would have come back clear considering all that Nate had been through". She recommended that Nate go ahead with the next surgery to reverse the illeostomy, but encouraged him to wait until January as the surgery would be a long and hard one with high possibility for complication, and a hospital stay of at least a week. She didn't want it to interfere with Christmas. We trust Dr. Lambert and we know that she always has Nate's best interest in mind, so we will defer to her recommendation. She discussed the scan with Dr. Bowles, and she has agreed to go ahead with the procedure. If she can get a look at the trouble spots, through all of the scar tissue and adhesions from the HIPEC, when she opens Nate up, she will try to get biopsies and/or remove or drain the tissue depending on what she finds. The procedure is currently scheduled for January 9th.

Needless to say, we've had an emotional week. Waiting for news is hard, but I know from experience that sometimes knowing the news can be even harder. We both felt a lot of relief after hearing from Dr. Lambert, but every time something like this happens, it gets harder to let our guard down. Nate is much better at this than I am, and I'm grateful that he reminds me that it's still ok to hope for the best. He reminded me that we really don't even know that the best hasn't already happened. I pray that the best has already happened, and that he will just be on a road to recovery from here on out. I admire his faith and confidence in our Heavenly Father.

We're praying that Nate's upcoming surgery will have a positive outcome, and that Dr. Bowles will be able to get a good look at the areas in question and take care of whatever is needed. We would love to have some resolution and peace of mind after this long hard year. We appreciate all of Nate's cheerleaders (if you're reading this we consider you a part of the squad), and are grateful for the faith you add to ours as we pray for continued miracles for Nate. We're excited for Christmas and the opportunity we have to spend it with our children and family. We're ever grateful for our Savior, Jesus Christ, and the gift he is in our lives. As I've learned to recognize my blessings every day, no matter how small, I've been amazed at how often I see that Lord's hand in my life as he blesses me through others. I'm amazed at the goodness I see in others, and their willingness to serve and love my family.  Thank you for loving and supporting us. Merry Christmas!

Round 6...Celebrate!

As we were walking into the Infusion Clinic today I saw a good friend of ours walking toward us and headed for the same building. My first thought was, "Is that Don? Is he sick? Why is he at the Cancer Building?" I was relieved, and touched, when I realized he was here to help us celebrate Nate's final round of chemo. When we checked in at the front desk, the receptionist had a delivery for us! Another good friend had delivered a gift this morning to help us celebrate. Nate looks pretty good in his party hat, and he loved the candy bar poster! Thanks Don, and the Kohutek Family!

We are both so grateful, and ever mindful, of the kindness and generosity of others. We've been the recipients of countless blessings and we thank our Heavenly Father everyday for these blessings and the gifts that are ours. We know we are loved.

Nate is so ready to be done with this. We're so happy to be done (almost) with chemo. When Nate disconnects his pump on Wednesday there's going to be a serious celebration at our house! The next step is a CT scan on December 3rd, and an appointment with our surgeon on the 4th to go over the results. She'll look at the scan and will hopefully feel comfortable enough to schedule the next surgery. Nate's hoping that he can have the surgery the week of December 10th. It will be followed by a hospital stay of 5 to 8 days if all goes well...and all WILL GO WELL! Nate will then be home recovering and should be ready to ring in the new year and get back to life! We're looking forward to a very merry Christmas!

Nate's labs all look great! All are within close to normal range :), but close enough to be able to proceed with the surgery. He gained 6 pounds in the last two weeks, and that's the biggest gain he's had since we've been home from Massachusetts. As for the hair loss, he's thinned a little bit, but it looks like he dodged that bullet for the most part. Nate's just an over achiever like that. I'm so proud of my husband!

After the surgery and recovery, Nate will go into "surveillance" mode. He'll have a scan every 6 months, and blood work to look at his tumor markers every 6 months. We'll alternate the scans and labs so we will see Dr. Whisenant every 3 months. I'm thankful that we'll see our doctor on a regular basis. I don't think I'm ready to be set free yet. Nate might have a different opinion, but it gives me some comfort to know he'll get checked out every 3 months.

I can't believe that the holidays are upon us! This has been the longest year of my life, yet somehow the holidays have managed to sneek up on me. I have some serious Christmas preparation ahead of me. I need to have everything ready before Nate's surgery, so say a little prayer for me!

How fitting it is that this week is Thanksgiving. We have so much to be thankful for! Sometimes I feel completely overwhelmed with gratitude, and this is one of those times. I'll spare you all the long list, but please know that if you're reading this, I'm grateful for your support. I'm grateful to be married to a man who is loved by so many. It's a testament to his character that he has so many cheerleaders. I know there may be more obstacles ahead, but I've learned that with good friends and family, we can get through anything! Love to all! Happy Thanksgiving!

Round 5

So far, so good! Nate is almost done here at the Infusion Clinic. We had an appointment with a PA today...everything still looks good. Labs are all normal, Nate gained two pounds! The nurses here are great and so respectful of our time. Today they moved us through faster than ever. Maybe they're tired of us? Nate has a great support team here.

Well, the nurses rushed us through so fast that I didn't have time to finish my post! It is now a week later, and I'm happy to report that Nate is doing really well. Last Tuesday, he had to fly to Portland for a meeting. It was just a day trip, but considering that he was attached to his chemo pump, I was concerned. The airport security wasn't a problem, and he did well on the flights. When he returned home with ice cream for the kids in hand, I knew he was feeling ok! Nate never sleeps well while on chemo and for a few days after, so we always try to let him sleep in the mornings. He did sleep in on Wednesday and was able to disconnect the pump when he woke up. It was a beautiful day so we went on a walk, and he did great! I'm constantly amazed at Nate's determination to live his life despite the battle he's facing. He's an inspiration to me.

He's now one week away from starting his last round of chemo! I know he's looking forward to being done. He has a CT scan scheduled for December 3rd, and an appointment with our local surgeon on December 4th. He's hoping that she will agree to schedule his next surgery for the 2nd or 3rd week of December. The hope is that she'll be able to reconnect all of Nate's plumbing and remove his port. We're praying for a good looking scan, good labs, an agreeable calendar, and a healthy Nate! We'll keep you posted! Love to all!

Sorry Ladies…He’s Mine!

If I could reverse the clock about ten months, and have a conversation about my husband and our marriage, I'm sure it would've been mostly positive. I would've listed all the great things Nate does for our kids, the good job he does at work, and how handy he is around the house. I probably would've even given in to the temptation to point out a few of his bad habits, because I wouldn't want to gloat about what a good guy he really is. The conversation might have felt a little rehearsed, and I bet I wouldn't have thought twice about having it.

Fast forward ten months, and one post later. Chances are that many of you read Nate's latest post before I even saw it. I'd gotten online to check my email, something I rarely do anymore, and was surprised to see a new post. As I read, my mind raced over the last several months' worth of shock, fear, and heartache we'd experienced. I don't think I can explain the emotion I felt as I read. All I could do was sit there and cry. When my kids found me sobbing in front of my laptop, all I could tell them was that they had the sweetest Dad ever. 

I've never been good at hiding my emotions, and for a while I even tried to embrace wearing them on my sleeve (it didn't go well). Since this all began, I've tried to be very careful about keeping a lid on my most intense emotions around Nate and our kids. We've tried to be honest with the kids about everything, but at the same time we don't want to instill even more fear or anxiety. I know that I need to be strong for them, even when I feel so very frail. It's been a heavy burden to carry, and I imagine that it won't ever be easy. I did have a few meltdowns in Massachusetts, but I didn't think Nate ever saw me...besides, he was on heavy narcotics so I didn't think he noticed much anyway! 

Now I know that I was wrong. My sweet husband has been way more observant than I ever knew. He's been listening and watching me, and has come to understand much of what I've been going through. I wouldn't say that he's ever been a man who doesn't listen, but with all he's dealing with, I knew he needed to place his focus on getting well, and not on me and my fears and emotions. I never wanted to burden him. I'm so very touched that even with all that he has to deal with, the intense pain, the "blahs", the nausea, loss of appetite, etc, etc, I see that he has most certainly processed my pain as well as his own. Through a few different experiences (many that don't even belong to us), his eyes have been opened to the life of a caregiver. 

After reading, and re-reading, his post, I had a lot of anxiety about writing a post of my own. I've said time and again that I don't know how I'll ever be able to express the overwhelming gratitude I have for all of the kindness that surrounds me and my family, and now I wonder how to even express that gratitude to Nate. I'm afraid I'll never be able to! He's gone above and beyond as a husband and father. He's teaching me what it is to feel brave. He's teaching me what hope is, and the difference between rational fear and anxiety. He holds me up when I should be supporting him. I will never again discount the wonderful man that I married, and I'll brag about him without shame! He's the bravest and most loving man that I know. Thank you Nate, for loving me.

Last Monday Nate started his fourth round of chemo. We were so happy to have his dear friend, Boyd, join us at the clinic. He had a long layover in Salt Lake City and came to sit with Nate. I could see a little more light in Nate's eyes than usual, and I appreciate Boyd so much. 

We were able to talk with our doctor, and he examined Nate. Everything seems to be healing well, and Nate is tolerating the chemo like the champ that he is. When Dr. Whisenant saw Nate, he immediately made a comment about his hair, and how he doesn't seem to be losing it. He said that at this point into the chemo he should have already started into major thinning, but that maybe Nate is among the 1/3 that won't lose it at all. I'm starting to think we need to spend some time down in Vegas, or at least start buying lottery tickets! Nate is proving that he knows how to beat the odds. Sometimes I even have this very irrational fear that his veins are made of steel and the chemo is just passing right through him. I know it's a little crazy, and I don't want Nate to have more symptoms than he already does, I just want those evil cancer cells obliterated!

Nate tolerated round four pretty well. He seems to be more wiped out with every round, but he's still trying to work as much as he can. He's become a napper, which was never really his thing. It will be so good to see him get some energy back!

His lab values all looked great! His red blood count is a little low, but his white count and platelets are actually back within normal range! We spoke with the doctor about the timing for Nate's sixth, and hopefully last surgery. He will finish his sixth round of chemo the day before Thanksgiving, and will then need to wait a few (3-4) weeks for his body to recover, so that puts us around the second or third week of December. The hospital stay is anticipated to be 4 or 5 days, so hopefully he will feel well enough to enjoy Christmas. If the timing all works out, we hope to spend New Year's Eve bidding a fond farewell to the year 2012, and looking forward to a better 2013.

Thanks again for standing by us on this crazy detour we've been taken on. We still can't believe this is our life, but we are ever grateful for our amazing friends and family who have chosen to come along with us. Love to all!

My Caregiver

My sister-in-law, Lindsay set up this blog for our benefit once it was discovered that I had cancer.  The idea was to aggregate all our thoughts and updates in one place as to remove the burden from Natalie and myself of telling the same stories repeatedly.  A couple of days ago she transferred the Admin rights over to us.  Yesterday, I opened up the blog dashboard and looked at the viewing stats. I was amazed to see that this little blog has had over 25,000 page views in just over a few months.  Views were coming in all over the place.    When I told this to Nat she said, "You have a lot of friends...".   But I have seen the comments and heard the feedback, all enough to know that more than half are clearly Natalie's friends, interested in her welfare and such.   This got me thinking in depth last night in bed, about something I have been pondering about for some time, regarding Natalie as my "caregiver".

"Caregiver" is a formal term and one that I really learned in Massachusetts while living in the Hope Lodge.  Every cancer patient there must have a formal "Caregiver", usually a spouse, but sometimes an adult child of the patient or a parent or sibling, or even a friend.  A caregiver is someone that:

• Takes care of someone who has a chronic illness or disease, in my case Cancer.

• Manages medications or talk to doctors and nurses on someone’s behalf, because of my mental emotional state, I was unable.

• Help bathe or dress someone who is frail or disabled.  I couldn't put on my socks and shoes and such.  

• Takes care of household duties.  Nat has done a lot of heavy lifting the last several months.

Natalie was and is my full-time caregiver.  Our friend Tami from Layton who was in Massachusetts the same time as us, has had a number of caregivers working weekly shifts; her husband, her sisters, her daughters and friends.   I learned what a caregiver is by first-hand experience and by close observation of others in our similar circumstance.  Unless you have actually been cared for, or have been a caregiver yourself, it is highly unlikely, in my humble opinion, that you have any idea what they do or go through.  As I thought about this last night in bed, as Nat slept, I cried just thinking of all she has done for me and sacrificed personally.

As a patient, and myself as a cancer patient, I believe, we in many ways have it easier than the caregiver.  In my case, my diagnosis came as a shock, so much that I really didn't believe it.  I felt healthy and quite frankly, invincible.  To this day, despite my arduous journey, I have seldom had a thought that I was going to die or that my mortality was in jeopardy.  Clearly my life has changed and I am not foolish enough to think that my life may not come to an end sooner than later, but I have adapted my thinking and perspective on life.  For example, I am little less concerned about retirement planning, and more concerned about the relationships I have with my wife and children and others today.   At the the end of the day, my life is mathematically, "x".  On the other hand, for Natalie, her life is (x + y), where "y" is her life after I am gone.  "y" is such an uncertain, scary thing for Natalie to think about.  Does "y" begin next year, in 5 years, or 25 years.  We don't know.  I don't think about it like she would.  Is "y" a time when she cares for the kids alone, or see our daughters get married by herself.  In fact, as I recover and become able to carry out normal activities, like going to work and even leaving town on business, Natalie can sometimes see an "empty" house  and what it would be like if I was gone for good.  I may cry about possibly missing out on many experiences and life events, but it is a much scarier proposition to consider doing all of that alone.  So much for the dreams of growing old together....    I still have no doubt that we will grow old together, but cancer sucks and is a harsh reality that has a tendency to alter our outlook on life, whether realistic or not.  This fact alone is basis enough to know that caregivers have a difficult road, maybe not to the physical extent as the patient, but clearly the mental and emotional anguish is more difficult, at least in our case.  The thing that sucks about cancer is that it is always with you, whether you are "cured", it is in "remission" or if you have told there is "no evidence of disease",  it remains in the back of your mind and it is always a possibility that it will rear its ugly head at some uncertain time down the road.  No matter how positive one can be, once you have cancer, you always have cancer, and this is especially true to the mind of the caregiver.

Caregivers are special sort of people.  Unless you are a nurse or in the hospice industry, most caregivers are in the positions by no choice of there own, but by circumstance.  Generally, it is by these circumstances that the "cream rises to the top" and best in these people come out.  I think once in a while there is the cream of the cream.  In my case, I am only so lucky to have such a person in my life, in Natalie.  No words can express passionately enough what a truly wonderful caregiver I have in Natalie.

First off, let me back up and say that I thought I knew what love was all about.  I thought I loved Natalie.  You would think in 16 years of marriage and 4 children later, that we have been down about every road and challenge and knew the person with whom we are wedded..  She thought she loved me much in the same vein   But it is amazing what cancer can do to a relationship.  Cancer sucks, but if there is anything positive about cancer, it has to be how it has truly brought us together like nothing else we thought possible.  We look back at some of our arguments and disagreements and laugh at how petty and silly those differences were at the time.  It is amazing how cancer can put other trivial marital problems into perspective.  Nat and I love each other more today than we ever have in the past and it is sweet.   I really have a difficult time myself still, trying to comprehend how someone can love me like Natalie loves me.  I am sick and frail. I can't put on my own socks.  I can't keep my meds straight.  I sleep all the time.  I don't help out around the house like I used to be able to do.   Yet through it all, Natalie is singularly focused on caring for me, and I know it is because she loves me.  Wow.  I cant even type this without shedding tears.

I have been told and I have read that being a caregiver can be rewarding.  But it is undeniably stressful as well.  There is no doubt significant anxiety, stress, irritability and even levels of depression that accommodate this "un-chosen" job.  While we have had no shortage of good friends, neighbors, family, the kids teachers, and strangers providing immeasurable help and the continuing offerings of help, there is still "pride in ownership" and getting things done independently.  So you may hear "no, we are quite alright".  To a large extent, as I get better that is true especially concerning the physical matters.  But I think as it pertains to the emotional and mental matters, help and support is always needed, maybe more so now than ever.

If you know a caregiver and you think that a caregiver is probably getting all the help they need, or they are always on the phone getting a call of support or a quick visit, and you think, " I am probably just 'piling on'" if I want to help.  That is probably the time when that caregiver has no one calling, and no one visiting, and no one just saying "Hi, I am thinking about you".  If you are a person that has a friend that is a caregiver when things seem to be getting better and their patient is on the mend, I can guarantee that care-giving friend needs you now more than ever.  Not a meal.  Not a fancy card. Not a gift basket.   They need that true friend and friendship.   They need a listening ear and that shoulder to cry on, whenever that might be.  They need the friends that are willing to talk about the tough things, the deep things, the things that make people cry. The things that only true friends will talk about. It is easy to be a friend when times are good and easy.  To be there when things are hard and times are tough, is the best measure of  truly good friends.   Caregivers need the friends that are there regardless of the circumstance, especially  when all seems well, when it is the least obvious and the need is recognized.  Those are often times, the hardest times for the caregiver...when by all appearances things look hunky-dory.

So while the bulk of the blog has been about me and my journey with cancer, I want everyone to know it is as much about Natalie and her journey as well.   I am so thankful that her friends and family have recognized this and rallied behind her to support her this journey with me.   There is no way I would be here today without her.  There is no way I would want to be here without her.  She is a rock and I thank God every day she is the mother of my children.

If you ever think, "Is there anything I can do for Nate".  The answer is yes.   Continue to support and be the amazing friends, family and neighbors that you are to my wife, Natalie and my children.

Today Is A Good Day

It's a beautiful day here in Salt Lake City. This morning we had the pleasure of attending the Salt Lake City Temple with some dear friends. Dr. Lambert came to town to attend General Conference and to go through the temple. We were so excited when she invited us to go, and it was wonderful to see her again. We were also accompanied by Nate's sweet Mom, Nancy, our friends Tim and Tami (fellow HIPEC patient from Layton), and her sister Judy and her husband. We also had the pleasure of meeting a man and his wife who live in the Salt Lake Valley who also underwent the HIPEC procedure back in 2009. The friend of Dr. Lambert who introduced her to the church, along with his family, and the two missionaries who taught and baptized Dr. Lambert were also there! Dr. Lambert had quite the crowd! It just goes to show that she is a very special friend to many people.

It was also so great to be there with Nate. I love to see him feeling good, and able to do the things he enjoys. We went up to Bear Lake for Conference Weekend and had a very relaxing time. The kids had a great time hanging out with each other, taking Ranger rides, and playing games together. Can it get any better?

At the moment, we are sitting in the Infusion Clinic. This marks the beginning of Nate's third round of chemo. He's halfway done! The time seems to speed by so quickly in many ways, and drags on in others. I still feel like I'm in a time warp! Nate continues to get stronger with the passing weeks. He hasn't needed as many pain meds, and for the past week or so, only takes them as needed. That's a pretty big change for him, and I'm happy that he's had some breaks from the pain. Last week we went camping with our ward, and as part of the entertainment one of the youth was DJing a dance. Our family went out onto the dance floor to bust a move, and before I knew it, Nate picked Emma up and  flipped her around in one of his fancy line dancing moves! For about half a second I was kind of ticked (I've been a Nazi about him lifting anything heavier than a gallon of milk), but then I saw the smile plastered on his and Emma's faces. It's hard for me to believe, but it seems that he's slowly moving back to his 'old self'. I'm thankful to see some 'normal' creeping back into our lives.

Nate continues to work as much as he can, and his co-workers continue to be so supportive. Last week another friend from work donated more personal leave to Nate. Nate told me about it in a text, and when the tears cleared from my eyes, I asked him how we would ever be able to express the gratitude we both have for all the many ways our friends have blessed our lives. We both seem to be at a loss for words when it comes to the gratitude we feel for all the friends and family that have helped us in so many ways.

While Nate still doesn't have a lot of energy, he pushes through the 'blahs' and is getting on with life. We're so appreciative of the patience everyone has had. I know that Nate's absence at work causes extra work for those picking up the slack, but I've never heard anything but understanding and encouraging words from those most affected. I don't know if they will ever understand the burden they've lifted from our family.

This path of life is certainly not easy, and I know we aren't the only ones facing a hard trial. Our eyes have been opened to the adversity that so many of our family and friends deal with. I've said it before, but it's like being pregnant...when you're pregnant, you notice all the other pregnant women, and it seems like everyone is pregnant! Likewise, when you're in the middle of the muck, you notice the muck others deal with, and it seems that everyone has something going on.

My dear friend's dad passed away unexpectedly Saturday morning, and my heart broke for her when I heard the news. We're praying for our friend and her family, and hope we can provide some type of comfort to them. I don't think we can ever truly prepare ourselves for trials like this, but I'm so grateful for good people who can help us pick up the pieces and guide us back to a hopeful place.

Thanks again for all the love and support you send our way. Prayers are being answered, and we are getting moments of 'normal'. We are forever grateful.

Round 2 Is Over!

Nate successfully disconnected himself from his chemo today, and promptly returned the chemo pump to the clinic. He can't get rid of that thing fast enough! He didn't fare as well this time during the infusion as he did for round one. He was pretty sluggish all day Monday and Tuesday. To put it in his words, "I'm just blah". The good news is that he looked tons better when he got home from work today! He met us at Sam's soccer game, and it was great to see my cute, trim, husband walking across the field, (with McDonald's in hand, even better)! He had color in his face, and a smile on his lips. Hopefully he will wake up in the morning feeling even better. Hey, one can hope!

Chemo Round 2

We are officially on the chemo countdown! During our visit with Dr. Whisenant today, we discussed plans for the next five chemo rounds (including this one), and timing for Nate's next surgery. If all goes as planned, Nate should finish his sixth round of chemo the week of November 12 and should be able to have his surgery four to five weeks later. We'll keep our fingers crossed that we can wrap this up within the 2012 calendar year so we can go into 2013 with a fresh start! Not to mention the benefit of squeezing all the big bills into one insurance calendar year! I know what I want for Christmas!

Round 2...still smiling!

Nate did really well with his last round. He survived his trip to Jackson Hole, and I think the change of scenery was good for him. He successfully disconnected himself from his pump and isn't looking back. Unless he needs fluids or IV meds for nausea, he wants to continue to disconnect himself at home. I'm super impressed by his willingness to live his life regardless of this dumb disease.

This past weekend we took our kids camping in our trailer up to Smith and Morehouse near Oakley, Ut. The kids had a great time exploring, the leaves are changing, it was beautiful weather, and we just had a great time! We fished for a little while on the reservoir and caught four fish. Seth took a Polar Bear Plunge in his skivvies, just to prove that he could, and survived. We discovered homemade pizzas cooked over the campfire, and realized that all four of our kids are fire bugs.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      
We traveled home on Sunday in time to go to the Brigham City Temple Dedication with Seth and Emma. It was a peaceful way to spend a couple of hours with each other. I'm grateful for the new perspective we've gained during this trial. I'm so much more mindful of the hours and days that we get to spend with our little family, and I appreciate the opportunities we have.

We're looking forward to seeing Dr. Lambert in two weeks when she comes to town for General Conference. I'm still amazed at the way this all turned out. Who would've guessed that we would form a friendship with our surgeon? I couldn't have predicted it, but I'm so grateful that we did!

Thank you for following our story. It's still overwhelming to me when someone tells me that they follow this blog. It's easy for me to write it all down, but hard for me to imagine that anyone would read it! I'm so thankful that so many people love my husband. He is a good man!

Chemo Round One...Again

I've had so many texts and calls today from family and friends wondering how Nate is holding up during his first round of chemo. I'm still amazed when I realize how many of you are thinking about our family. Thank you!

Yesterday was a good day in the Infusion Clinic. Nate tolerated the new drug very well. He did have a bout of dizziness and felt pretty sleepy, but considering the alternatives, he did great! At one point, his eyes were blinking independent of each other, and although it was a little strange to watch, it was pretty entertaining.

When we returned home, some sweet friends brought dinner to our family. It was so nice not to have to worry about coming up with a meal! Nate felt so well that he was actually able to eat a healthy portion before we went to his brother's house for a family birthday party!

Today he woke up feeling a little groggy, but true to his nature, he pulled out of it and got on with his day. He's been blessed this week to have a very noticeable improvement in his pain level. He's been able to go much longer without his pain meds, and I can see that it's been a big relief for him. After breakfast he packed his bags and left for Jackson Hole. I'm happy that he can get a little "normal" back in his life. For all that he's been through, nobody deserves it more!

Here We Go Again

It's official...summer is over. I'm still not sure how I feel about that. One might think that we would be thrilled to get this summer behind us, but I'm actually a little sad to see it go. I wouldn't say that it ranked anywhere near my top 10 summers, but it did have its value. We had some amazing experiences that forever changed us, and I'm grateful that Nate and our family made it through in one piece...well mostly in one piece. I tried to get Nate a shirt that said, "I left my gall bladder, spleen, and omentum in Massachusetts", but the gift shop was sold out.

Since our summer with the kids was cut so short, I wasn't ready for them to start school last week. I miss them! Seth started Junior High, Emma's in 5th, Sam's in 2nd, and our baby Sydney started Kindergarten! Before school started, we were able to squeeze some fun into what summer we did have. We took our trailer out camping to the Uintas over Labor Day with some friends and had a great time! We cooked over the fire, rode bikes, and all the kids caught fish! Seth's taken up a new hobby of knife throwing (gulp), Emma practiced her archery skills, Sydney finally learned how to ride her bike without training wheels, and Sam got addicted to fishing. Nate and I are grateful to share our love of camping and the outdoors with our kids. 

This moose wandered into camp for a closer look.

Last Tuesday, Nate had a CT scan and an appointment with his Surgical Oncologist. The scan looked really good. It showed that Nate's abdominal cavity is healing well, his organs are settling into the void spaces where his gall bladder and spleen used to be, and his abscess was gone! Because of this, his surgeon was able to remove his wound drain. Nate said it was pretty painful, but he was so relieved to have it out! It's good to see the equipment go...one less thing for Nate to worry about.

Since the drain was removed, it's time for the systemic chemotherapy to begin. Yeah! Can you hear the enthusiasm in my voice? It's weird to have something like chemo to look forward to, but I'm learning to look at it as one more step closer to being done with treatment. Nate is, of course, ever the optimist. He isn't worried about the chemo or the side effects, and still has a sunny outlook. In fact, he's planning to drive to Jackson Hole tomorrow for a work conference (yes, I agreed...against my better judgement and high levels of anxiety). I actually think it will be really good for him to do something by himself, even if I have to go through withdrawal! You can't blame me though, I got to spend an entire summer with my best friend and now he thinks he can run off to Jackson? I knew this day would come :). In all seriousness, he's an amazing example to me, and I continue to learn from his example. I can only hope that if I'm ever faced with something like this, I'll be able to endure as well as he does.

Nate is still bringing home the bacon. We remain grateful for a supportive work situation.

So, here we go again. We're back in the Infusion Clinic at IMC starting Nate's first of six rounds of chemo. The chemo is another colon cancer regimen and is similar to the Folfox he was on before. One drug is switched out for another and has some different side effects. Abdominal cramping, dehydration, and hair loss are what he's trading for the numbness and tingling with the Folfox. The timing will be the same. Every two weeks (Mondays for now), Nate will start a new round. We stay at the Infusion Clinic for 4 to 5 hours while the anti-nausea meds and two of the three chemo drugs infuse. Before we leave, they hook him up to a pump that will continue to infuse the third drug over the next 46 hours. Since Nate will be in Jackson when the infusion is complete, our nurse will show him how to disconnect himself from the pump, and flush his port line. Chemo and a new skill, what a deal! 

The kids and I pray daily that Nate will be able to endure the chemo as well as he did last time. He still has quite a bit of weight to gain, but he's getting stronger every day. He's tired of taking pills all the time, but true to his character, he remains compliant. He really is a model patient! I love this man. He's the bright side to my day, and I'm grateful for the blessing that he is.

I'm also grateful for our good friends and family who stand at the ready in case we need anything. From an understanding employer, to friends who watch my kids, bring us dinners, send texts of encouragement, and put up with my spaciness, I know we are blessed beyond measure. I'm grateful for my ever changing perspective, and recognize that there is no way we could do this alone. I'm learning to rely on other people, and am thankful for the blessings I have. There are miracles all around us, and I'm glad my eyes are open to them. I only wish I'd learned to recognize them before all of this began, because now I realize that they happen every day. Here's to our miracles, and to yours!

The Man Who Lived

It's hard to believe that a month has passed since we returned home. I knew I'd have less time to write in the blog, but this is ridiculous! Fitting cancer and recovery into summer life and our regular responsibilities has been quite a challenge. We're trying to figure out what our new normal is, and how it fits into the life we used to have. The days still seem to run together, and there never seems to be enough time or energy required to get everything done.

Even though life's been crazy, home has proven to be the best medicine for Nate. Spending time with the kids as they've been out of school is like the 'spoonful of sugar' that Nate needed. We're so glad that the kids had an extra two weeks of summer this year. They usually start school around August 22nd or so, and this year they don't start until September 5th! What a blessing this has been for our family.

Since my last post, Nate's had appointments with his wound care nurses, Dr. Bowles (surgeon), and Dr. Whisenant (medical). Dr. Bowles is pretty happy with the progress. She was a little concerned that Nate's wound drain was still draining so much, and thought that his pancreas might be leaking. Labs were ordered, and came back negative for pancreatic fluid...whew! Nate measures the output in the drain daily, and when the levels are consistently low enough, he'll have a CT scan to check the size of the abscess. If it's small enough, the drain can be removed. That will be one less thing for Nate to deal with, plus he'll finally get to go swimming with the kids! We're specifically praying that his body will be able to take care of the abscess so the drain can come out.

Nate's been seeing his wound care nurses every Monday, and they've been a big help. They were able to clean out his open wound so it could heal faster, and it's been good to have them monitor the healing progress. This Monday, the nurse took one look at the wound, threw her hands up in the air, and said, "You're healed!". If only she had a magic eye that could look on the inside of Nate's belly and still give the same proclamation! Nate was glad to hear some good news, and was glad that he has one less appointment to attend. 

We had our first visit since we've been back with Dr. Whisenant last week. It started off with the usual vital signs and weigh in. Nate's gained a whopping 8 pounds! The nurse came in to access Nate's port for labs and couldn't get any blood to come out so we had to wait while she ordered up a medication to dissolve any blood clots in the line. We waited about an hour before the line opened and she was able to get the blood she needed. Grateful the port still works!

When Dr. Whisenant finally entered the room, it was apparent that he did so with some hesitation. It was like he was a little nervous to see what waited for him inside! When he saw Nate his whole aura changed and he actually took a big sigh of relief. He said Nate looked way better than he thought he would, especially after he read through all of Nate's clinical notes from Dr. Lambert. Through the entire visit he kept commenting on how impressed he was, and how he expected Nate to look way worse. It was good for my 'wife ears' to hear those comments. I see Nate everyday, I've seen him at his worst, and I've seen him at his worse than worst. I have the disadvantage of seeing the very minute improvements day by day, so it's harder for me to see how far Nate has come in his recovery. It all blends together for me, and sometimes I have to go back and look at pictures to remind myself just how far he's come.

The main reason for our appointment with Dr. Whisenant was to discuss the timeline for starting systemic chemo. Dr. Lambert feels that the sooner he can begin, the better. She's taken so much cancer out, that if any remains, it would be best to start attacking it with the chemo. Yet another reason we're anxious for the wound drain to come out! The specific type of chemo is still a colon cancer chemo, but is slightly different than the regimen he was on in the Spring. He'll still receive two of the same drugs, but one drug will be switched out for another. The drug he won't get is the one that gave him the numbness and neuropathy in his hands and mouth. The new drug side effects are hair loss (we hoped to dodge that one for the kids' sake), and severe diarrhea and dehydration. The schedule is the same, he'll go to the infusion clinic for 4 to 5 hours on Mondays, take the pump home for 48 hours, and return on Wednesdays to have the pump removed. We think he'll do at least 6 rounds, or 12 weeks of the therapy. As long as the pump comes out, Nate will start chemo on September 10th.

When the appointment was wrapping up, Dr. Whisenant expressed his fondness of both Dr. Lambert and Dr. Bowles, which is always great to hear! As we were saying goodbye, he put his hand on Nate's shoulder and said, "Congratulations, you look great! The man who lived!" I told him then and there that he had summed it up, and that I was going to quote him in my blog. I'm so proud of my man who lived, and so grateful for the miracles that allowed him to do so. We are in such capable hands, and I'm so very thankful for the Lord's hand in our lives.

Last Friday we were able to take our kids to the new Brigham City Temple open house. It was beautiful! It was wonderful to attend with Nate's brother and his family, and Nate's parents.

Doesn't Nate look awesome?!

After the open house, we went to the Box Elder County Fair for a little bit of 'country', and to consume our yearly ration of "furgers", or fair burgers to the layman. The kids enjoyed the food, the sights, and mostly the rides. We've discovered that our little Sydney is quite the daredevil as she wanted to go on every ride. She's got Nate so wrapped around her little finger that he even relented and let her ride the 'Starship', one of those centrifugal force rides that spins around and the floor drops out. I was a little nervous about it, but when I saw the smile plastered on Sydney's face as she got off the ride, I couldn't help but laugh. Emma, Sam and Seth are also pretty fearless. Seth was so dedicated to having fun that he continued to go on ride after ride, even though he was greener than his new pet frog. He never did get sick, but he walked the line all night long! Nate's brother and his family were also there, and the kids had a blast with their cousins. We got home at 1:00 a.m. and the kids were hammered! A pretty successful night at the fair, if you ask me!

Crazy kids!

Monday night we planned a special family night and did something we've been talking about doing for years. We drove to the top of Willard Peak, above Brigham City, cooked our dinner over a campfire, made s'mores, and hiked along the peak. We had such a great time together. The best thing for me was to watch Nate doing what he loves to do as he was surrounded by his biggest fans. Our kids look to him, they admire him, and they trust him. My heart swelled as I watched them enjoy and discover one of Nate's greatest loves. 

 

 

So Grateful...